what consultants do best
Hello Fellow Stratemegizers,
You must be wondering why I suddenly erased a chunk of my blog, only leaving a handful of the oringinal 50 entries for your enjoyment. Well, that’s because I have some awfully exciting news to announce.
Wait for it…wait for it…
Stratemegize THE BOOK is coming out on 
soon!
It’s in the final stages of publishing. And what a wonderful Christmas gift this will be. More details to come, stay tuned.
April Fools!!!
Let’s face it. We are all slaves to our own insecurities and paranoia. But, if anything, corporate minions of all shapes and sizes have one thing in common. One universal fear. One outlandish phobia. One suspicion, that if were true, would put 80% of us out of a job. The moment of panic caused by a sudden flash of clarity that if your conference phone’s mute button malfunctioned, it would not only be the end of your career, but you would become the poster child of utter and complete failure. Who would have thought that the expression of one’s own true and honest feelings can be a crime reprimanded by public humiliation and shame. Alas, that is why we spent most our lives learning how to put on our clown suits and do our monkey dances. All that hard work and dedication can be ruined by a single encompassing slip-up. Wait, does green mean that mute is on? Or is it red? Or what if I’ve gone momentarily colorblind and that really is red? But why isn’t anyone talking right now? Did they hear me? Oh. My. Gosh. And just when you are in the middle of formulating your nonsensical cover up story or rapid exit strategy, someone will finally continue the discussion, as if nothing happened. Wait, is it possible that they actually heard me, but decided to deal with it later? Should I scream into the phone right now and test the mute button? As you begin to spiral into an existentialist convulsion, the call finally ends, and you thank god for your eyeballs and functional LEDs.
I find that airlines and hotels are becoming increasingly creative in recognizing individuals who bring them a steady stream of revenue. However, the creativity of these symbiotic entities are limited by rising fuel prices, depreciation of the dollar, and lack of resources. For example, if you fly an obscene number of miles with United Airlines, you get the privilege of boarding via the red carpet. This carpet, more or less, a red doormat, is placed strategically on the other side of the rope barrier where the regular people queue up. Even more embarrassingly, is that the ticket agent stands in front of the rug and announces that ONLY people with a certain status can pass through. God forbid if a regular joe schmoe steps on the red mat. So I guess the take away is, if you drop hundreds of thousands of dollars with an airline, you get to board 5 inches to the left of normal everyday travelers. Whoopdee-do! The oversaturation of these “elite” tiers have led to the invention of silly and meaningless rituals. Could they really not think of a better way to distinguish the big wigs? How about just keep creating new titles for them? I didn’t have any problems coming up with a good one.
Which demographic complains more about general everyday pish-posh? Is it, a) high school girls; b) sorority girls, c) housewives, or d) middle-of-the-road consultants who can’t seem to rise above the manager level? Ding ding ding, the answer is D. Every single week, you’ll hear someone complain about how ridiculously expensive room service is, but he’d order it anyway. “Can you BELIEVE the omelet was $30? Well it tasted like crap.” Or the morning after a night out, someone will always bring up how much the bill was. “I can’t BELIEVE the tab was a thousand bucks. I mean, there were only four of us!” We all know that these people aren’t truly irritated by anything. They are just bragging about how much dough they throw around. But I pity these people. I pity them because their lives are like a house of cards. Sure looks impressive, but the slightest gust of wind can knock it all down to the ground.
Just like flight attendants, or anyone who has to travel for a living, food expenses are usually covered in one of two ways. You either submit receipts and get paid for what you spent, or you get x amount of pocket money. The pocket money is called per diem. Per diem is like all the spare change that your parents never gave you. And just like your penniless childhood years, you try to save every dime. Getting $60 a day adds up to like a mini-bonus at the end of the year. Think about it. $60 x 5 x 52 = $15,600!!! Holy shit. Another way of thinking about it is, that’s how much they’re paying you to not eat, or not eat expensive food. So next time you wonder why some dude in a suit is eating at McDonald’s at 8pm? You’ll know exactly why.
This describes the action performed by people who never take their badges off to swipe into a building. Their IDs are usually clipped onto the front of their pants, and with the card reader on the wall, watching them badge-in can be quite entertaining. This is especially so when that person is particularly tall or short, with coffee & breakfast in hand, and not knowing that doors won’t be unlocked for another fifteen minute or so.
Elevators are a significant part of a consultant’s life. He probably works, lives, parks, exercises, eats, and parties at places with elevators. Therefore, it is the rule of thumb that one must always be prepared for a sudden encounter with one’s boss, co-worker, friend, enemy, lover, etc. When these sudden encounters occur in confined public areas (such as in an elevator), it can get superbly awkward. And folks, if there’s one thing consultants hate the most, it’s being caught off guard. So it follows naturally that consultants would spend time rehearsing these potentially embarrassing moments and develop a term called “elevator pitch.” A one or two minute summary about your firm, your project, your vision, or your career. These templates are actually written on note cards and are usually passed out during new-hire orientation. Now, it’s important to emphasize that these handy dandy 3x5s are for business purposes only, if you run into girlfriend #1 when you’re out with girlfriend #2, then you’re really on your own buddy.
Consultants are huge on training. There is mandatory training, elective training, hands-on training, and a whole myriad of other classifications. But basically, it means they ship you off somewhere for a week where you’re supposed to improve on your skills (whatever that may be) and perhaps learn a thing or two. Now unless it is a very specific area of expertise or technical training, all this really means is no work and free booze every night. No work and free booze?!?! it’s consulting heaven! And since most classes are structured around a theme, it is likely that other folks in your group will also have something in common with you. So you can mingle during team building exercises in the day, and party it up all night. And get paid. Can it get better than that?
Every Monday morning marks another beginning of an exclusive rat race. One where if you don’t have a laptop bag and a rollerboard suitcase, you might as well go get a hashbrown at the McDonald’s in B24 and wait for last call. 99% of the people on the 7am flights is in boarding group 1, or have executive-platinum-i-travel-so-much-i’m-like-the-guy-who-lives-on-a-plane-in-the-movie-Contact status. SO, in a world where everyone’s special therefore no one’s special, we regress to our baser instincts. We flock. We shove. We vie for a way to board first thus ensuring overhead space for our bags. Perhaps airlines should think about marketing and pricing that real estate. I’m not sure whether it stems from the distrust of bag handlers or from our inflated egos (we think our time is more valuable than everyone else’s), but gate checking our bag is like *gasp* the biggest hassle in the world. In order to avoid this hassle, some consultants will passive aggressively inch their way up, and other consultants will use their suitcases (or strong body odor) as shields to fend off invaders. Over time, you will recognize those individuals on your flight, and hopefully you won’t become THE ONE everyone else is calling a ‘door knob’.
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